1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
