I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
