I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
