If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
