i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This baby is an asshole
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
