you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
