bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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