Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
