You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
