I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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