I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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