Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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