i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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