Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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