Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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