i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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