Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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