Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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