walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
