Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
