i permit you to call me
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
