im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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