do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
How naked do you want me to be?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
