I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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