I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
