Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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