It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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