So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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