A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
