My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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