We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
