Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
