@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
