Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to sanitize my soul.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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