there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
