girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
