This girl is more easily done than said...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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