my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
