Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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