We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
