Who did Billy Mays play for?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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