we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
