well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
