So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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