Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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