You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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