Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
