so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
