the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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