I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
