Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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