just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Randomize
