I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
