Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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