Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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