he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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