as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
