Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I lost the right to judge tonight
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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