This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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